there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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