Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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