Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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