there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
