I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
