Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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