All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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