On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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