I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
