where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
