sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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