Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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