What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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