i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
you had me at cake vodka
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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