I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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