Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
