It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
