Four minutes until I can fart!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
