Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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