There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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