Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Randomize
