dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
