i may or may not be watching the land before time
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
