he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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