2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
