The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
