I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
