and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
