I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
