come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
