No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
