so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
ttyl tear gas
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
