also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
