lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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