yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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