I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
