I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
