I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
