I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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