dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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