Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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