Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
