my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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