Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
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