I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just sucked dick on a ferry
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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