It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
