I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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