Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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