she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
