Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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