I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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